Marital Issues Spawn New Trend

24 Nov. 2009 – Although the divorce rate is currently around 43% – down from the projected 50% divorce rate – it’s still to common, and back on the rise. “It’s a shame,” says Kelly Cantor, recently divorced mother of three. “It’s a long, expensive process, and no matter the relationship status leading up to it, it’s always emotionally exhausting.”

After going through four divorces of her own, Jacqueline Warmington wanted to find a way to help others through their own divorce experiences. “What I needed in the past was a cheap, fair, organized way to say, ‘I un-do’,” says Warmington. Her solution? “I became a divorce planner!”

The services Warmington and the sympathetic staff at “Wise Choice Divorce Planners” provide include everything from Too Drunk to Remember the Wedding to This Would Have Happened 18 Years Ago if Not For the Kid(s), and give the option for their unhappy couples to create their own, customized package. (See ad, page 2.)

To realize that almost one in two people will end up in this situation is scary enough – 10% of marriages fail in the first five years – but second marriages are about 60% likely to end in divorce. The relatively common third marriage is even higher; it is estimated that 73% of these marriages will fail.

On the bright side, divorcees aren’t alone, but Jeremy Merritt sees it as the beginning of a new trend: “It won’t be long before this catches on,” Merritt claims confidently. “Marriage is like the new dating; if at first you don’t succeed, keep trying until nobody will have your saggy rear.”


Warmington, on the other hand, has her doubts. “Some people still feel self-conscious about this process, you know? Some people don’t like the fact that we try to make light of a dark situation.” To those who feel uncomfortable with the Wise Choice advises an alternative: “We’re good friends with the people up at FGA Law Firm. Here’s a copy of their business card.”


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Time for a DIVORCE? Come to Wise Choice Divorce Planners! Package deals include:

• My Mother Never Liked You – Includes favors for the immediate relatives, like copies of the divorce certificate, and individual pictures of the spouses with lighter.

• Hit Me Baby One Last Time – Includes custody of the children, and a D.I.Y. restraining order.

• It’s Best for Everyone – Comes with two halves of a cake, a roll of tape and a tape measure to equally divide the ex-bride’s side of the party from the ex-groom’s; mutual friends should indicate neutrality by placing their butt cracks on the tape line (chairs not included).

CLEAN BREAK SPECIAL (good with any “It’s Best for Everyone”): Split the cost to split your child! Professional Plastic surgeon on staff can divide your child(ren) length-wise or at the waist!

• Too Drunk to Remember the Wedding – Just the simple divorce papers, and the option to have a fake tabloid made so you can bury it six feet under Somewhere (with your reputation)

• This Would Have Happened 18 Years Ago if not for the Kid(s) – You’ve waited for this day for years: The kids can get their own place and visit each of you when they want, so now’s the perfect time for the LONG TIME COMING SPECIAL; you know you want To…

• Cheaters – Divorce your scummy spouse! If he/she cheated before, what’s to stop him/her from doing it again?

THE REVENGE SPECIAL: Comes with temporary, new significant other to make out with every time your louse – oops, spouse! – walks by.

• CREATE YOUR OWN

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