All of this “international garbage” on the internet is annoying Americans

Chicago, IL- The abundance of international news available on the internet has made it increasingly difficult for the average American to ignore the rest of the world. According to a trend researcher at Oakton Community College, it is becoming harder and harder for the average American to live up to their proud heritage of disregarding every country but their own.

“The internet nowadays has too much unnecessary information,” says Rob Allen, a student at UIC in Chicago. “I mean, who really wants to know that 2,500 kids are dying every day in Africa from contaminated water? I just want to see if they are going to fix the potholes outside of my favorite bar.” Mr. Allen is also bothered by some of the options of these websites. “Did you know that Yahoo is available in different languages? As if everybody in the world doesn't speak English, yeah right.”

Another survey participant from Michigan is irritated by this blasphemy as well. He says that news about another country has no point because it has nothing to do with him. “Listen, I can see where it might be important to talk about another country, like when we beat them in some type of Olympic event or bomb them or, ideally, both. But, when some leader in Sudan kills a family of five because they are of a different class and America isn't involved, what’s that have to do with me?”

Other survey respondents said that they are shocked and appalled, not just by the availability of non-U.S. news, but by the way important U.S. news is not even being reported in these foreign sites. “Yesterday, for instance, the Philadelphia Eagles beat the Chicago Bears and I go on the translated version of the Japanese Times to read more about it and its not even there,” said Craig Brown of Skokie,IL. “Geez, no wonder why we nuked those guys.”

Indeed, with all the foreign newspapers and multi-lingual sites, it is almost impossible for the average American to remain uninformed. “You’d think that all these internet people would know that,” added Mr. Brown. “ I mean, that’s why its called America Online, right? Its supposed to be about America.”

High School Sport Teams

Chicago IL- Racism has been an issue that has concern many people, mostly for African Americans. Other than African Americans having a different color skin, white people do not want them near them. In schools especially in high schools, parents are demanding the coaches not to involve black children in their after school sport teams. High school parents think it is inappropriate for black kids to stand out more than their children. “It is not fair that my children are being placed under black kids in the school track team” mentioned Kayla House, a mom who claims her kid has to be valued more than blacks.
Mrs. House wants them out of the team; she spoke to the coaches, principal, and then took it to the school board. “African Americans develop muscles much quicker without doing weights, and my kid works out very hard to gain and earn them”, said Britney Hudson. A No black children have been gone from sport teams yet, but the Niles North High School is thinking in dropping the white kids instead, since the winners are all black, and also have the best racing times.
Also black fathers are embarrassed of watching white children on the high school track team. “It has been a challenge for white kids to run, and they can barely place fifth place in a race, whereas running to our kids comes more naturally and we always obtain all gold, silver, and bronze metals”, claimed Jamal Wimberley, a concern father. White parents are becoming scared of how black kids are taking over their children spot light. “Although we do walk slowly, we are cheetahs in the track” said another father, Marquis Williams.
Now Niles North High School is also watching African Americans on the different teams, they are becoming aware of how good they are not only in track but basketball, football, soccer, and even baseball.

Hannah Montana Fan Goes On Shooting Rampage

After a long 30 days of nitty gritty investigating, detectives have found the trigger that set off this innocent Hannah Montana fan. 14 year old Anna Sasin is a die hard Hannah Montana fan. Anna heard about the new video game (Hannah's Paparazzi Chase) where Hannah Montana allegedly beats the paparazzi with her purple iron guitar. She decided that she had to have this game. After a few tries, she got up to the ninth level. After failing to get to the tenth, Anna got angry and gave up. She got up the next morning trying to play. Still no success. As she got to school she heard the others bragging about their high levels. This bragging only made Anna much angrier, she reached her breaking point. This is when she pulled out her hand gun, began firing aimlessly, and killed three of her class mates. Detectives say the Hannah Montana decorated hand gun was given to Anna as a gift for her sixth birthday.When asked for his input on the incident, Detective Jerkmeyer quoted "These video games have a great influence on the behaviors of children, I certainly hope that manufacturers would create more effective, advanced, outrageously cut-throat, violent video games." he believes that the more children that get hurt, in situations like these, would teach parents to monitor the games their children play. We are all hoping, someday, that we could change the corrupt minds of angry teenagers. Maybe then, they will be less determined to kill. However, due to this incident, Miley Montana School has been closed until further notice. Trial dates have been set for the teen girl; officers say, there might be possibilities of a death sentence.

An Addiction to Technology (FD - Mina T.)

James Patrick of Northern California loves to row. He has been rowing for the past five years. He can row for hours before getting tired. On days when James feels more adventurous, he is able to row at speeds of sixty miles per hour. Rowing has become a lifestyle for James. It is a passion for which he has a multi corporation to thank. James has realized his dreams because of Massive Dynamics; that is because James was born armless.

For decades Massive Dynamics has been at the forefront of the technological revolution. It is constantly breaking new ground in technological advances and has become one of the most relied on company. America’s growing reliance and obsession with technology has made this company one of the leading corporations in the world.

Massive Dynamics is behind such innovative technology as the biologically produced prosthetic limbs. James Smith is one of the lucky people who can enjoy the benefits of these completely controllable arms that are made of real human tissue and can be controlled with the brain just like natural arms. Looking at these arms, one can hardly tell that they were grown and constructed in a laboratory and the benefits go beyond the ones of natural arms. These limbs have bone structure made from titanium that is much stronger than human bones. These arms also possess more power than any human arms. This allows James to row faster and longer than anyone who has grown up doing the same thing. The arms also have the capability to bend at angles that a human arm cannot, providing James much more flexibility and making him an envy of gymnasts everywhere.

Although James was limited by how much he could pay for, Massive Dynamics has shown that it goes far beyond that. They have successfully integrated any kind and every kind of technology into their prosthetic body parts. Everything from music players to virtually an entire computer can be worked into the prosthetic body parts created by Massive Dynamics. Their website features videos where a person’s hand becomes a cellphone; the palm becoming a touch screen. Another video shows a person just sitting, staring into blank space but in actuality he is viewing movies on Massive Dynamics’s latest prosthetic eyes.

However, such advances don’t come without controversies. Massive Dynamic’s products have come under abuse by people highly addicted to technology. A Michigan woman, who wanted to lose weight but still eat everything, purposely ingested chemicals that destroyed her stomach. This left the doctors with no choice but to install the Massive Dynamics’ fat dissolving stomach which they considered too risky to implant when she was perfectly healthy. A man in New York blinded himself so he can get his insurance to pay for the standard Massive Dynamics prosthetic eyes which would enable him to see in the dark.

And then there are cases where the patients ask their doctors to amputate their perfectly functioning limbs so that the prosthetics ones can be installed. Even though this practice has been frowned upon, it is still being privately conducted. Some blame Massive Dynamics for creating such appealing hybrids, but Massive Dynamics continues to claim that they are only trying to enrich the lives of people who are lacking benefits in their life. Although Massive Dynamics claims to help the disabled, some people have suggested that this statement could also include the average people.

Breakthrough in Iraq War

Satire

After many years of progress and the worthwhile time spent in Iraq, former president George W. Bush’s goal has been realized. We have finally found oil buried underneath over one million acres of land. According to the oil drilling companies owned by the former president Bush had this to say, “We did it, it took the sacrifice of thousands of soldiers and billions of dollars but now we can sleep in peace”. When asked about how the rest of the world would see the U. S. since the original purpose was to obtain weapons of mass destruction from Saddam Hussein, Bush had this to say, “It doesn’t matter what they think because first of all I won’t be able to understand them because I don’t speak Asian, European, or Mexican. And second of all it’s all about the Benjamin’s baby”. It is to be expected that the Iraq’s will not interrupt our oil drilling since our initial intention was to find oil and not to slay the people of Iraq. All over the world people who own Hummers and Escalades are rejoicing over this new found oil site. “There should be enough oil to generate two more years of gasoline to run our gas guzzling yet necessary v10 engine trucks”, says the cabinet of Bush’s administration. All over the U. S. people are showing their expression of relief and happiness over this newfound oil that they are all speechless and shocked with their jaws dropped to the ground. Of course George W. Bush will be using all the proceeds to help rejuvenate the broken down economy and put less of the profits into his overfilled wallet. “I will help this country recover from this economic crisis even though I did not cause it”, said George W. Bush.

Alex Huang

Are We There Yet?!

Are We There Yet?

Chicago, IL.- All these annoying things that can go wrong on a CTA bus have finally been solved. The CTA president Steve Riley has finally found the solutions that will make the customer’s trip more smooth and problem free. All those loud talking people will finally be able to shut up, when you want to! All you have to do is raise your hand and inform the driver. The driver will then pull over and ask the person to quite down, but don’t worry about being late because you will since it was already 30 minutes late to begin with. The annoying cries of babies will no longer be a problem because they will be put in the front of the bus where the bikes use to go. There will be metal detectors (that don’t work) in the entrance of the bus so there won’t be any problems of guns entering. The bus driver will greet you with a big hug and smile to make you feel welcome. Once you enter the bus you will be seated in the most luxurious seats and be treated as if you were in a first class road trip. “With the high prices of a bus ride, I better get treated as a Queen ” says Samantha who rides the 97 bus to school every morning. The CTA has tried to make customers rides more comfortable and safe as possible lets hope that next year they will accomplish their mission.

Nadia Avila

The Werewolf Look

Ladies put down that bottle of Nair.

Men drop that razor.

Satire
By: Andrea Rojo

The New Moon frenzy among teens in particular has caused the newest "it" look. One of the main characters, Jacob, transforms into a werewolf in the movie. His divine look has caused many to let their hair grow out and go through medical procedures to increase their amount of hair, mainly in the face.
Carl Follower (shown on the left) has undergone a drastic laser and injection procedure to get the popular werewolf look. Follower is very content with his new appearance. "When I saw how stunning Jacob looked with his luscious hair, I just knew I had to get that look. I always thought hair made the face, the movie just motivated me to go through with the procedure. I knew this look would become popular. I like to be in style All my friends are jealous on how great I look." Follower had previously gone through surgery to get the "King Kong" look after the movie premiered in 1993 . "I just love being on top of the new trends", Follower concludes.

The doctor who applied Follower's treatment, Dr.Greed marvels over his work. He told us business has been booming ever since the movie came out. "Everyone wants the werewolf look. I treat about 30 people a day. I can't wait till the next movie comes out", Dr. Greed concludes.
The most anticipated Twilight Saga has definitely left it's mark. Who knows what the third part of the movie will bring to popularity.