Portfolio Guidelines

You MUST make TWO copies of your Final Portfolio. These are the guidelines/steps:
1) The Portfolio is a collection of revised essays and a Statement of Belief.
2) It must be 10 pages long (minimum). It MUST include revisions of 2-3 essays and MUST include a 2-3 page Statement. It MUST be in 12-point font.
3) First, choose 2-3 essays that you'd like to revise.
4) For each essay, make a list of the corrections you have to make. (Use my notes, peer notes, old drafts, things you notice.)
5) Go into your files, and open up the documents so that you can start to change small things.
6) After you've made MINOR corrections, read the whole essay and decide on what MAJOR changes you will make (add ideas? expand ideas? include another comparison?). Work on those. Be creative and thoughtful.
7) Read the essays aloud--with corrections and changes made. What else needs to be done? Do the essays make sense?
8) Read the descriptions of each component of the Rubric. Are you doing work that strives for the "Excellent" description?
9) Make more corrections and changes.
10) Print up final copies of the essays. Read them all at once. What do they have in common? Think about your writing style and your ideas.
11) Write your Statement of Belief. This statement will explain what's in your portfolio and how you feel about your writing and ideas. (You should have started to think this over in class.)
12) In 2-3 double-spaced pages, answer ALL of these questions:

What is something in which you strongly believe?
How does that belief make you unique?
What have you learned/do you know about the struggles of individuals within systems?
When do systems work? When do they fail? Who gets hurt? Who benefits?
How do your ideas about individuals/systems connect to your belief?
How do those two things connect to the writing in your portfolio?
How have you used rhetoric to communicate these ideas?

From Olivia: Coming Up:

1) Extra credit paragraphs (your BEST paragraph of the term) are due (edited and proofread) on Tuesday December 1.

2) Leaders: Prepare for the second half of our Satire discussion. Others: read five of our satires (your choice); complete the modified RR (just a list of five theses).

3) Here is what remains of our schedule:

T Dec 1
Discussion of satires (leaders)
HMWK:
1. Find a photograph of yourself that illustrates you (as an individual) in a system; what are the key details? What is the system? How is that you in the picture? How is that not you?
2. RR17: ND p. 121-146—leaders

Th Dec 3
Discussion (leaders) // Video clip: King of Kong (AND: EC RECORDING!) // Quickly: Portfolio guidelines
HMWK:
1. Keep working on the ideas related to your photograph! Make a clear copy of it, if it is your only copy.
2. in your journal: List: ten or more questions (grammatical, practical, textual, etc.)

T Dec 8
Questions Day // Explanation of FINAL (plus HN)
HMWK:
1. IMPORTANT: BRING YOUR FINAL EXAM IMAGE to class!!!
2. Work on your portfolio
On December 10, we will meet in our classroom for 25 minutes; then, we'll be in a lab.

Th Dec 10
12:30-12:55 last-minute questions, work/prep, peer review of thesis statement // 1-1:45 EXAM
HMWK: Portfolio

TUESDAY DECEMBER 15:Portfolios (with ripped out journal pages organized and stapled together) are due by 12:30 p.m. in the adjunct office (B200) or in my mailbox. If your work is not in my hand (no e-mailed copies) at this time, you will get a zero. Absolutely no exceptions.

Do we have somthing to eat?

Do we have something to eat?

One day, I walked to the market; I heard two people talking about food, which was interesting. That was conversation is presented below:
“Do we have something to eat?” Person N asked.
“We have plenty of food to eat.” Person P answered. “You just take a look; there are McDonalds, Burger King, KFC, Pizza Hut, TCL Friday, etc.”

“Yes. ‘I’m lovin’ it.’ Surely, love it! If you want ‘Super Size Me.’ Then McDonalds take money from me, and also take health from me. If you hate your body, then go to McDonalds. If you hate your child, feed them McDonald's. ” Person N said. “Do you know Charlie Bell, McDonald’s former CEO, died in 2005. He was only 44 years old, and began his career with the chain at the age of 15 and ate McDonalds’ almost 30 years. ”
“What about TCL Friday? Beef steak? ” Person P said.
“Every steak you crave has uric acid. Every bite contains antibiotics. Mad cow mad people feed cow antibiotics, pesticides, chemicals and hormones. Cows take revenge. Swine flu is the same issue.”
“We are talking too much and I feel thirsty. Let’s have a drink.” Person P suggested.
“Drink? Milk? Bottled water? Pure water is put in the poison plastic bottle? It can keep fresh, pure in three years! Do you dare to drink it?”
“’Got Milk?’” Milk poisoned over 60,000 infants in China last year.

“How’s Coke? ‘Open Happiness’.”

“Let’s see, Coke is fizzy chemical water and sugar. If you want to clean a toilet, you pour a can of Coke into the toilet bowl, let it sit an hour, and then flush clean. The citric acid in Coke removes stains from vitreous china. If you want to be damn in the twenty years later, please start to drink Coke today. Coke really loves you.” Person N said.
“We really encounter the food problem.” Person P answered.
“Not at all. We just follow the industry and do what they want us to do. We don’t have to think about it. That will be fine.” Person N answered. “Let’s go to McDonalds.”

Improving Economy has no effect on Main Street

News about the improvement in the American economy has left many puzzled as well as frustrated. According to many experts, the stock market seems to be on a rebound and stock prices have been growing steadily since March. However, although there are many signs to illustrate that the economy is in a better shape than it was last year, the unemployment rate continues to increase.
According to the U.S Bureau of Labor Statistics, the national rate of unemployment just reached 10.2 percent last month, after 25 years of being a single digit number. More than 29 states have reported an increase in the jobless rate and 13 states have reported an unemployment rate higher than the current national rate.
“The best thing we can say about the labor market right now is that it may be getting worse more slowly and the only thing left to do is to wait it out,” says Peter Griffin, an economist at the University of Virginia.
In a recent interview, Lu Pai, a Federal Reserve officer states, “The government is currently occupied with bailing out financial institutions and will consider the unemployment crisis at a more convenient time.”
A recent study shows that the number of part time workers who say they would like a full-time job but can’t find one has doubled since the recession began. This trend might continue for the next few years until companies decide to stop laying off millions of workers because of takeovers, and bailouts.
The only practical solution to this problem is, to continue to invest if you belong to the “investor class” and if you belong to the “working class,” continue to watch the government bailout failing banks and companies.

Muhammad Ali Tahir

Scientists and Politicians

Somewhere in california. Scientist build a time machine. Laser sounds with green and red lights in the center of the dark room. The time scientist press a button that bring one person from the past into the future. They don't know what happens after they press the button but they press it anyway for the sake of science. The lights turn off. The switch is turned on. A loud sound from a machine followed by a evil laugh. The scientist get hit with a club, pass out. The doors open bursting out the room, it's a man wearing a fur coat. Like from the jungle fur coat. His eyebrow put together and the cold smoke from his nose, he stops and stares around the room. Nuclear missiles to his right and guns to his left, takes a look back at the lights, the rooms a mess. A strong feeling to press buttons in a urge to helping himself so he kept pressing as long as he felt. Meanwhile, the scientist got up and the soldiers came in. The world is about to end the general shouted the missile launch just begined. The whole world got the message for the first time. For once the goverment had nothing to hide. As the world was exploding I got on my spaceship. Before I headed for Jupiter. I interviewed the last man alive. I asked him if any girls came on to him yet. He didn't respond. He asked me a question "Do I know what's the greatest lesson in the world?". Huh. He said "Never mix the game of knowledge with a game of fear". The more our goverment focuses on bigger weapons the more our country will practice agressive methods, I suppose. Why else would you be building better weapons for fifty years without creating war from time to time to create fear, it makes sense. I would offer him a ride but then how would I be the last last man alive. So luckly for him i told him i will always remember you as the last man alive when I'm living on Jupiter. He said he was a politician and I left.

Ivy League Schools Welcome The New INTEL I-2000 – The Revolutionary Tool for Higher Education

November 24, 2009
By TANEISHA CHRISTIE

Driven by the insatiable desire of the fast tract education system, the new Intel I-2000 could not arrive at a more opportune time. AMC Technology new pro-tech device has brought comfort to students all over the world with its unique assortments of features that makes communication easier and more efficient. Since its launch in 2011, the I-2000, with its 5G network, has sold over 6 millions units. Colleges and schools around the world are using this device as a teaching resource where students can send papers and information directly to their professors.
The I-2000 has been rated one of the country’s most reliable mobile devices by marketer and students alike. It is flexible and durable, holding up to 32 gigabits of storage space. Spell check, dictionary search, picture inserts, spreadsheets, and a full word program are some of the mundane features. This 4.5”x 2.0”x 0.6” device carries advance apps such IntuiThought, a program that translate a person thoughts into words, DisectYou, which names your organ when pointed to, and ConductCharge, where the battery automatically charges by heat transfer from the palm of your hand. Best of all, the information these features produce are transmittable in IM, which proves this machine versatility and effectiveness. With this device students could earn a bachelors degree in six (6) months, a masters in an additional month, and any other advanced degree in another 2 weeks.
Ivy League Colleges in the US are now using the I-2000 to facilitate in the completion of their curriculum, especially for students in the Business, Science, and Teaching fields. The I-2000 is included in the registration package, thus making it less expensive as oppose to purchasing it at a retailer.
We spoke with some of the students from a few of these schools to get their views on this device and how it has impacted their lives. “The device is awesome; it is easy to use and you can carry it anywhere without the hassle of chargers and other accessories. It makes communication between my professor and me easier, and I feel comfortable relaying information to her,” said one Howard University student.
Carlen Shaw, Dean at Denver University, says she is impressed with the device and how it has improved the academic level of the students. “I was somewhat disturbed at first when I heard that we were going to start using IM to communicate in the classrooms. However after a few months into the semester I started to see how comfortable the students were in working with this piece of technology, and now I support it to the fullest,” she exclaimed, with a bit of excitement. When asked to share just how this new technology has improved the academic level of students, Shaw said, “The students are used to communicating with their friends in IM daily; however, now they get to break the wall of commutation between them and their professors. They can now communicate with their professors in IM too. Not only that, but they can do their course work in IM and easily send it to their professor.”
“My classes are now vibrant; the students are more involved in discussion, and now that they can give their response in IM, class communication is more comfortable,” said Professor Jessica Kerry.
The hallways of the New Hipster College are decorated with pleasant thoughts like “AS 2B DB (Always strive to be the best), 14AA41 (One for all, all for one), AFPOE WET (A fresh pair of eye works every time).”
“Our ECE Dept (Early Childhood Education Departments) has been doing some great work with this new system. Just yesterday I received a story from one of my students and I was just amazed at the way she constructed her sentences. For example, ‘Kenny lol whn his bff Jenny fll in d pudle f wtr whl wlking ome fr sch.’ Her story went on in this same manner, with most of the sentences fully written in IM. Now who would have thought that writing in Instant Messaging could be so fun and still be informative,” said Professors P. James of the Nacalva Teachers College.
According to other instructors, IM writing has helped the students to express their thoughts more and as a result we are getting more assignments done on time. Professor Kennedy of the Business Department
Though this new technology has proven to be helpful in the educational system, many citizens and concern parents are leery about how this can affect their young children lives. “Pretty soon this technology will be imparted on elementary and high school children. What will we do then? Is it that our children will no longer speak English and change their language completely to IM?” Asked parent Jackie Webster.
According to Anthropologist Mike Henry, “if continued, this language barrier will eventually spread throughout the world, causing communication to change between families. Because technology has evolved in such a way that we can no longer predestine what will come next, then it maybe that in the next twenty years or less IM will become the worlds Universal Language.”
Reporter John Becker spoke with Education Secretary Loenardo Jones about his take on this new device. “Well this is just a peek at what technology has in store for us,” said Secretary Jones. “I am pleased with the success this device has brought us so far. Just last week I attended the graduation of the first batch of teachers from The Technocrat Teachers’ College who have benefited from this device and I was overjoyed to share in their success. I now await the result of their teaching career and how well our high school and elementary students adapt to this teaching.”
According to Scientist Herbert Daley, “we have become so dependent on technology that we fail to see its interference with the way we communicate. We see these changes as a development and improvement to society; however we are oblivious to the danger that lies ahead, should there be major failure, be it short-term or long-term.

Man Adopts Racism as Alternative to Learning Foreign Language

29 year-old Manny Pacquiao of Chicago, Illinois has adopted racism as an alternative to continuing an endeavor to learn the Spanish language, according to sources close to the recently bigoted man.

Pacquiao, who has spent upwards of $500 on Spanish learning resources and hundreds of hours of his spare time reviewing vocabulary flashcards, watching asinine Mexican soap operas and even reading English and Spanish book versions of them over the past two years, reportedly made his decision after a trip to Cabo San Lucas last month.

"At first, Pacquiao was really into speaking Spanish with the locals. He was like, to become fluent you need to undergo 'complete immersion' or whatever," recounted Ces Morales, a friend of Pacquiao, "But after a couple of days of nobody knowing what the hell he was talking about, he was all, 'fuck' these people'."

Pacquiao, who cringes at the mention of the Spanish name he used to go by while attending language classes at a local community college, now spends his Tuesday and Thursday evenings at Minutemen and underground White Power meetings.

"Pedro is dead. I'm Just Manny now," Pacquiao says, clearly ashamed of his former multicultural moniker, "Why should i learn the language of a bunch of lazy job stealers? The only Spanish I care to know is 'Get your asso back to Mexico'."

Despite his belief that the rest of the world's inhabitants should learn to speak English, Pacquiao says he still wouldn't waste his breath talking to a bunch of 'jews', 'asians' and 'arabs', even if they 'did possessed the intelligence to learn the only language on the planet that makes any damn sense'."

"I mean, how hard is it to say, 'Welcome to our crappy country, sir. May I take your bags?' or, 'Thank you very much for liberating our nation and teaching us about washing our hands, even though we'll forget all about it by next week. Have a nice day'."

Marital Issues Spawn New Trend

24 Nov. 2009 – Although the divorce rate is currently around 43% – down from the projected 50% divorce rate – it’s still to common, and back on the rise. “It’s a shame,” says Kelly Cantor, recently divorced mother of three. “It’s a long, expensive process, and no matter the relationship status leading up to it, it’s always emotionally exhausting.”

After going through four divorces of her own, Jacqueline Warmington wanted to find a way to help others through their own divorce experiences. “What I needed in the past was a cheap, fair, organized way to say, ‘I un-do’,” says Warmington. Her solution? “I became a divorce planner!”

The services Warmington and the sympathetic staff at “Wise Choice Divorce Planners” provide include everything from Too Drunk to Remember the Wedding to This Would Have Happened 18 Years Ago if Not For the Kid(s), and give the option for their unhappy couples to create their own, customized package. (See ad, page 2.)

To realize that almost one in two people will end up in this situation is scary enough – 10% of marriages fail in the first five years – but second marriages are about 60% likely to end in divorce. The relatively common third marriage is even higher; it is estimated that 73% of these marriages will fail.

On the bright side, divorcees aren’t alone, but Jeremy Merritt sees it as the beginning of a new trend: “It won’t be long before this catches on,” Merritt claims confidently. “Marriage is like the new dating; if at first you don’t succeed, keep trying until nobody will have your saggy rear.”


Warmington, on the other hand, has her doubts. “Some people still feel self-conscious about this process, you know? Some people don’t like the fact that we try to make light of a dark situation.” To those who feel uncomfortable with the Wise Choice advises an alternative: “We’re good friends with the people up at FGA Law Firm. Here’s a copy of their business card.”


http://www.fgalawfirm.com/images/articles/articles/adbigger.jpg

________________________________________________________________________________________

Time for a DIVORCE? Come to Wise Choice Divorce Planners! Package deals include:

• My Mother Never Liked You – Includes favors for the immediate relatives, like copies of the divorce certificate, and individual pictures of the spouses with lighter.

• Hit Me Baby One Last Time – Includes custody of the children, and a D.I.Y. restraining order.

• It’s Best for Everyone – Comes with two halves of a cake, a roll of tape and a tape measure to equally divide the ex-bride’s side of the party from the ex-groom’s; mutual friends should indicate neutrality by placing their butt cracks on the tape line (chairs not included).

CLEAN BREAK SPECIAL (good with any “It’s Best for Everyone”): Split the cost to split your child! Professional Plastic surgeon on staff can divide your child(ren) length-wise or at the waist!

• Too Drunk to Remember the Wedding – Just the simple divorce papers, and the option to have a fake tabloid made so you can bury it six feet under Somewhere (with your reputation)

• This Would Have Happened 18 Years Ago if not for the Kid(s) – You’ve waited for this day for years: The kids can get their own place and visit each of you when they want, so now’s the perfect time for the LONG TIME COMING SPECIAL; you know you want To…

• Cheaters – Divorce your scummy spouse! If he/she cheated before, what’s to stop him/her from doing it again?

THE REVENGE SPECIAL: Comes with temporary, new significant other to make out with every time your louse – oops, spouse! – walks by.

• CREATE YOUR OWN

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All of this “international garbage” on the internet is annoying Americans

Chicago, IL- The abundance of international news available on the internet has made it increasingly difficult for the average American to ignore the rest of the world. According to a trend researcher at Oakton Community College, it is becoming harder and harder for the average American to live up to their proud heritage of disregarding every country but their own.

“The internet nowadays has too much unnecessary information,” says Rob Allen, a student at UIC in Chicago. “I mean, who really wants to know that 2,500 kids are dying every day in Africa from contaminated water? I just want to see if they are going to fix the potholes outside of my favorite bar.” Mr. Allen is also bothered by some of the options of these websites. “Did you know that Yahoo is available in different languages? As if everybody in the world doesn't speak English, yeah right.”

Another survey participant from Michigan is irritated by this blasphemy as well. He says that news about another country has no point because it has nothing to do with him. “Listen, I can see where it might be important to talk about another country, like when we beat them in some type of Olympic event or bomb them or, ideally, both. But, when some leader in Sudan kills a family of five because they are of a different class and America isn't involved, what’s that have to do with me?”

Other survey respondents said that they are shocked and appalled, not just by the availability of non-U.S. news, but by the way important U.S. news is not even being reported in these foreign sites. “Yesterday, for instance, the Philadelphia Eagles beat the Chicago Bears and I go on the translated version of the Japanese Times to read more about it and its not even there,” said Craig Brown of Skokie,IL. “Geez, no wonder why we nuked those guys.”

Indeed, with all the foreign newspapers and multi-lingual sites, it is almost impossible for the average American to remain uninformed. “You’d think that all these internet people would know that,” added Mr. Brown. “ I mean, that’s why its called America Online, right? Its supposed to be about America.”

High School Sport Teams

Chicago IL- Racism has been an issue that has concern many people, mostly for African Americans. Other than African Americans having a different color skin, white people do not want them near them. In schools especially in high schools, parents are demanding the coaches not to involve black children in their after school sport teams. High school parents think it is inappropriate for black kids to stand out more than their children. “It is not fair that my children are being placed under black kids in the school track team” mentioned Kayla House, a mom who claims her kid has to be valued more than blacks.
Mrs. House wants them out of the team; she spoke to the coaches, principal, and then took it to the school board. “African Americans develop muscles much quicker without doing weights, and my kid works out very hard to gain and earn them”, said Britney Hudson. A No black children have been gone from sport teams yet, but the Niles North High School is thinking in dropping the white kids instead, since the winners are all black, and also have the best racing times.
Also black fathers are embarrassed of watching white children on the high school track team. “It has been a challenge for white kids to run, and they can barely place fifth place in a race, whereas running to our kids comes more naturally and we always obtain all gold, silver, and bronze metals”, claimed Jamal Wimberley, a concern father. White parents are becoming scared of how black kids are taking over their children spot light. “Although we do walk slowly, we are cheetahs in the track” said another father, Marquis Williams.
Now Niles North High School is also watching African Americans on the different teams, they are becoming aware of how good they are not only in track but basketball, football, soccer, and even baseball.

Hannah Montana Fan Goes On Shooting Rampage

After a long 30 days of nitty gritty investigating, detectives have found the trigger that set off this innocent Hannah Montana fan. 14 year old Anna Sasin is a die hard Hannah Montana fan. Anna heard about the new video game (Hannah's Paparazzi Chase) where Hannah Montana allegedly beats the paparazzi with her purple iron guitar. She decided that she had to have this game. After a few tries, she got up to the ninth level. After failing to get to the tenth, Anna got angry and gave up. She got up the next morning trying to play. Still no success. As she got to school she heard the others bragging about their high levels. This bragging only made Anna much angrier, she reached her breaking point. This is when she pulled out her hand gun, began firing aimlessly, and killed three of her class mates. Detectives say the Hannah Montana decorated hand gun was given to Anna as a gift for her sixth birthday.When asked for his input on the incident, Detective Jerkmeyer quoted "These video games have a great influence on the behaviors of children, I certainly hope that manufacturers would create more effective, advanced, outrageously cut-throat, violent video games." he believes that the more children that get hurt, in situations like these, would teach parents to monitor the games their children play. We are all hoping, someday, that we could change the corrupt minds of angry teenagers. Maybe then, they will be less determined to kill. However, due to this incident, Miley Montana School has been closed until further notice. Trial dates have been set for the teen girl; officers say, there might be possibilities of a death sentence.

An Addiction to Technology (FD - Mina T.)

James Patrick of Northern California loves to row. He has been rowing for the past five years. He can row for hours before getting tired. On days when James feels more adventurous, he is able to row at speeds of sixty miles per hour. Rowing has become a lifestyle for James. It is a passion for which he has a multi corporation to thank. James has realized his dreams because of Massive Dynamics; that is because James was born armless.

For decades Massive Dynamics has been at the forefront of the technological revolution. It is constantly breaking new ground in technological advances and has become one of the most relied on company. America’s growing reliance and obsession with technology has made this company one of the leading corporations in the world.

Massive Dynamics is behind such innovative technology as the biologically produced prosthetic limbs. James Smith is one of the lucky people who can enjoy the benefits of these completely controllable arms that are made of real human tissue and can be controlled with the brain just like natural arms. Looking at these arms, one can hardly tell that they were grown and constructed in a laboratory and the benefits go beyond the ones of natural arms. These limbs have bone structure made from titanium that is much stronger than human bones. These arms also possess more power than any human arms. This allows James to row faster and longer than anyone who has grown up doing the same thing. The arms also have the capability to bend at angles that a human arm cannot, providing James much more flexibility and making him an envy of gymnasts everywhere.

Although James was limited by how much he could pay for, Massive Dynamics has shown that it goes far beyond that. They have successfully integrated any kind and every kind of technology into their prosthetic body parts. Everything from music players to virtually an entire computer can be worked into the prosthetic body parts created by Massive Dynamics. Their website features videos where a person’s hand becomes a cellphone; the palm becoming a touch screen. Another video shows a person just sitting, staring into blank space but in actuality he is viewing movies on Massive Dynamics’s latest prosthetic eyes.

However, such advances don’t come without controversies. Massive Dynamic’s products have come under abuse by people highly addicted to technology. A Michigan woman, who wanted to lose weight but still eat everything, purposely ingested chemicals that destroyed her stomach. This left the doctors with no choice but to install the Massive Dynamics’ fat dissolving stomach which they considered too risky to implant when she was perfectly healthy. A man in New York blinded himself so he can get his insurance to pay for the standard Massive Dynamics prosthetic eyes which would enable him to see in the dark.

And then there are cases where the patients ask their doctors to amputate their perfectly functioning limbs so that the prosthetics ones can be installed. Even though this practice has been frowned upon, it is still being privately conducted. Some blame Massive Dynamics for creating such appealing hybrids, but Massive Dynamics continues to claim that they are only trying to enrich the lives of people who are lacking benefits in their life. Although Massive Dynamics claims to help the disabled, some people have suggested that this statement could also include the average people.

Breakthrough in Iraq War

Satire

After many years of progress and the worthwhile time spent in Iraq, former president George W. Bush’s goal has been realized. We have finally found oil buried underneath over one million acres of land. According to the oil drilling companies owned by the former president Bush had this to say, “We did it, it took the sacrifice of thousands of soldiers and billions of dollars but now we can sleep in peace”. When asked about how the rest of the world would see the U. S. since the original purpose was to obtain weapons of mass destruction from Saddam Hussein, Bush had this to say, “It doesn’t matter what they think because first of all I won’t be able to understand them because I don’t speak Asian, European, or Mexican. And second of all it’s all about the Benjamin’s baby”. It is to be expected that the Iraq’s will not interrupt our oil drilling since our initial intention was to find oil and not to slay the people of Iraq. All over the world people who own Hummers and Escalades are rejoicing over this new found oil site. “There should be enough oil to generate two more years of gasoline to run our gas guzzling yet necessary v10 engine trucks”, says the cabinet of Bush’s administration. All over the U. S. people are showing their expression of relief and happiness over this newfound oil that they are all speechless and shocked with their jaws dropped to the ground. Of course George W. Bush will be using all the proceeds to help rejuvenate the broken down economy and put less of the profits into his overfilled wallet. “I will help this country recover from this economic crisis even though I did not cause it”, said George W. Bush.

Alex Huang

Are We There Yet?!

Are We There Yet?

Chicago, IL.- All these annoying things that can go wrong on a CTA bus have finally been solved. The CTA president Steve Riley has finally found the solutions that will make the customer’s trip more smooth and problem free. All those loud talking people will finally be able to shut up, when you want to! All you have to do is raise your hand and inform the driver. The driver will then pull over and ask the person to quite down, but don’t worry about being late because you will since it was already 30 minutes late to begin with. The annoying cries of babies will no longer be a problem because they will be put in the front of the bus where the bikes use to go. There will be metal detectors (that don’t work) in the entrance of the bus so there won’t be any problems of guns entering. The bus driver will greet you with a big hug and smile to make you feel welcome. Once you enter the bus you will be seated in the most luxurious seats and be treated as if you were in a first class road trip. “With the high prices of a bus ride, I better get treated as a Queen ” says Samantha who rides the 97 bus to school every morning. The CTA has tried to make customers rides more comfortable and safe as possible lets hope that next year they will accomplish their mission.

Nadia Avila

The Werewolf Look

Ladies put down that bottle of Nair.

Men drop that razor.

Satire
By: Andrea Rojo

The New Moon frenzy among teens in particular has caused the newest "it" look. One of the main characters, Jacob, transforms into a werewolf in the movie. His divine look has caused many to let their hair grow out and go through medical procedures to increase their amount of hair, mainly in the face.
Carl Follower (shown on the left) has undergone a drastic laser and injection procedure to get the popular werewolf look. Follower is very content with his new appearance. "When I saw how stunning Jacob looked with his luscious hair, I just knew I had to get that look. I always thought hair made the face, the movie just motivated me to go through with the procedure. I knew this look would become popular. I like to be in style All my friends are jealous on how great I look." Follower had previously gone through surgery to get the "King Kong" look after the movie premiered in 1993 . "I just love being on top of the new trends", Follower concludes.

The doctor who applied Follower's treatment, Dr.Greed marvels over his work. He told us business has been booming ever since the movie came out. "Everyone wants the werewolf look. I treat about 30 people a day. I can't wait till the next movie comes out", Dr. Greed concludes.
The most anticipated Twilight Saga has definitely left it's mark. Who knows what the third part of the movie will bring to popularity.

Satire

Fiona's Make Under
By: Karla Depina

In today's society, many people are not content with the way they look. They are constantly changing the color of their hair, getting the latest hairstyles, wearing a lot of makeup to cover up their imperfections, etc, etc. Others take drastic measures such as getting all sorts of things done to themselves: plastic surgery, and/or liposuction. This is a story about Fiona. An ordinary princess who did not like her appearance. Fiona was a very pretty girl throughout most of her life. "People everywhere always said that I was the prettiest girl they had ever laid eyes on. What they did not see were all my imperfections that I saw every time I glanced at a mirror." Fiona claimed. "That is when I decided that in order to be happy with myself, I was going to have to get some type of plastic surgery. I would have to reconstruct everything." Fiona had her first consultation with Dr. Fixit; the top plastic surgeon in the country (who is also Angelina Jolie and Kim Kardashian's surgeon). Everything was set, and Fiona was ready to start a new life of perfection.
Dr. Fixit explained, "It was a little difficult to come up with a certain "look" for her. She has amazing cheekbones, and I wanted that to show through. She also had a cute button nose I wanted to enhance just a little bit more, including her lips. I wanted to give her lips just like I did with Angelina. Fiona's figure was also this amazing shape, but all of it needed much improvement."
"I am very nervous about this procedure, but I am also very ecstatic." Fiona had mentioned just the day before the big day. It was a two day procedure. After a few weeks of healing, Fiona was ready to show herself to the world. While waiting at Italia, the famous Italian restaurant, there was a gorgeous lady that walked in with a faint glow of green skin. Her lips were identical to Angelina Jolie, and her button nose was much more plump than an ordinary button nose. Her cheekbones had deep contours like Mount Kilamanjaro. Her ears? There were just no words to describe them; they were just so waxy. Her figure was also flawless. Fiona has become a beautiful person through and through; it was just hard to see through her imperfections.
"I feel amazing. Dr. Fixit has definitely has outdone himself. Everyone says that I even look better than Angelina Jolie and Kim Kardashian combined. When I first looked at my reflection, I had tears in my eyes. I cannot believe how amazing I look. It was the best decision I have ever made." She also recently got engaged. "Shrek and I are both happy with the work that has been done." She also claims that Shrek is very handsome himself. Who ever said plastic surgery was bad for you?


BEFORE



AFTER

FD of Satire

JUSTICE FOR THE HEALTH CARE SYSTEM
CHICAGO – After a wild chase in the streets of Chicago, one of the most wanted fugitives in the country was finally in the hands of justice. More than a dozen police officers took part in the risky operation of ceasing the 250 bus. The quiet suburb of Niles became a scene from an action movie. “I’m terrified by the idea of such criminals walking the streets of our neighborhood,” said a witness of the chase, who wished to remain anonymous. “Thank God it’s over now.”
Niles is actually where it all started. S.P. has been residing in the area for more than two years. After injuring her finger at work, she had the impudence to go to the local hospital. “I was forced to see a doctor,” was all that S.P. had to say in her defense. “Forced? There are procedures in this company,” stated A.B., a general manager of the restaurant. “We took the required two hours to report the incident to the corporate office. She was OK draining her blood in the sink.”
The emergency room personnel did their best at blowing the incoming bill. “We couldn’t accommodate the patient with the same charges as a heart attack or a car crash, but we offered her a bed and stitches,” said S.U., a hospital representative, with regret in his voice. “Unfortunately, she refused the anesthetic and the tetanus shot.” The bill came a few weeks later.
It’s been more than six months since S.P. committed this horrible crime of not paying a thousand dollars to the hospital. She claims that her employer promised to cover the costs. The general manager complains that S.P. hasn’t left him in peace since her so-called “incident." He also plans to sue her for harassment.
The hospital authorities had to take things in their hands. After months of diplomatic correspondence with the criminal, they were compelled to look for a professional help. “Bounty Hunter”, a famous debt collection firm, was their first choice. “We’ve never encountered so many problems in a fugitive locating,” said R.D., an employee of the firm. “These types of criminals are hard to spot. I was engaged in calling her 24/7.”
Yesterday it all came to an end. The 250 bus was ceased at the Dempster and Milwaukee intersection in Niles. The chase took 15 minutes, six police cars, and two helicopters. It seemed like the fugitive had an accomplice, because nothing could stop the mad bus driver from Evanston to the above intersection. The bus driver also tried to sabotage the operation by not letting the police officers in without a pass. “I don’t have change, I don’t sell transfers, it’s written everywhere, and I’m telling you,” were his last words before being tasered. The fugitive was captured while trying to sneak through the back door. The bus was inspected for other fugitives too. All the passengers looked very suspicious. After all, they were riding a bus.
“I would like to express my gratitude to all the brave people who worked on this case restlessly. And to you, who are out there not paying your hospital bills, I have an advice – don’t get sick, if you don’t have an insurance. You can run, but you can’t hide,” said the financial director of the hospital, who observed the action from one of the helicopters.
The hospital plans to sue S.P. for the amount of the bill and for moral damage.

-Silviya R. Petkova

writing techniques

- idioms
- pathetic fallacy
- allusions

Links from Olivia

1. Your FD is due Tuesday.

2. required reading/RR: A Modest Proposal--click on “read online” and be sure to read the FULL text (7 pages)—leaders

3. optional reading/RR: The Lowest Animal

Writting Techniques

1.Imagery
2. Kenning
3. Irony


Nadia Avila

3 Writing Techniques

1) Your choice of words.

2) your style, writing how you speak(well... Thats mine o.O)

3) Figurative Launguage

There is something wrong with the link for next week's homework:

This one works!